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Non violent communication training

Apolline's teachers have been trained in non-violent communication and are happy to adopt these new attitudes for the well-being and respect of the students.

NVC in two words

It is a way of being non-violent towards others. 

For example, we often believe that when someone insults us or gets angry at us, it is because we have done something wrong or that this person is simply disrespectful, but it is because this person has a need that is not being met. From there, it is a matter of finding out what that need is and helping the person to be able to express it, rather than getting angry or running away. Or if we get angry, we try to find the right words to express the feelings we have, and the needs that are not being met. 

This communication process was developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg, doctor in clinical psychology, who wrote: "Words are windows or they are walls". 

A better quality of listening

At first sight we say that it is not natural and that we do not want to be superficial or manipulative in our way of talking to others. It is not a "method" to be applied to solve conflicts or to achieve one's goals. On the contrary, we can see non-violent communication as a prism that allows us to see things differently, to be more attentive to the other, to offer the other a superior quality of listening that will allow the person expressing him/herself to feel a real sense of well-being. 

For example, when a person talks about a problem they have with their sick father, we will tend to have reactions that in reality, do not show real listening. We will ask a thousand questions, cut off the conversation, talk about our own father, cite an example of a more serious illness, play down the situation, give advice, etc. But we do all this for ourselves, to express ourselves, so that we are no longer distressed by the situation that is being transmitted to us. To really listen to a person, it would be necessary to look at him/her and to be really interested in what he/she has to say by being silent. 

When we share an experience that has generated certain feelings, it can be helpful to talk about the facts, and not immediately mix in judgments and feelings, so that the other person can fully understand the situation. 

Search for the need

Then it is possible to look with the person for the need behind the feeling he/she is trying to express. 
For example, in the case of her father's illness, the person might be upset, or angry, or distraught, or abandoned - these are not the same feelings and they may not all suggest the same need. Perhaps in one case, the father's illness gives the person a responsibility that they don't want to take on, which will make them upset, so a need for freedom and independence is not being met. Or it is a feeling of abandonment which is actually due to a lack of affection, which the father can no longer provide. Or it may be that all of this is causing irritation, a need for peace and quiet that is not being met due to the anxiety that this situation is causing in the family, or perhaps due to something else. It is a matter of trying to get the person to express all this and feel the benefit of it, to put the right words on what he/she feels. 

The expression of emotions and needs

We can practice NVC for others, but also for ourselves, by looking for what need is really behind an emotion we express. Emotions are present, sometimes we are angry, sometimes we are joyful, it is not a question of repressing or hiding our emotions, on the contrary, it is a question of expressing them, it is human to be angry, to shout and to get angry, to push cries of joy and laughter, and simply, it is good to find the right words, for ourselves and for the others who must be able to understand what happens to us in order to better respect each other. 

Ask

Once the feelings and needs are clarified, we can formulate a precise request to the person, what he or she could do to help us, and if he or she doesn't want to, we just have to accept it. 

 

Hoping that this article has inspired you or simply interested you, the whole Apolline team is looking forward to seeing you.